š Quotes ›
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"Do not touch anything unnecessarily. Beware of pretty girls in dance
halls and parks who may be spies, as well as bicycles, revolvers, uniforms,
arms, dead horses, and men lying on roads---they are not there
accidentally" – Soviet infantry manual, issued in the 1930's
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"President Bush said today he has a new plan to provide everyone
with health care and a decent education. It also includes the rebuilding of
roads and fixing of bridges. And if it works in
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“It is about a socialist, anti-family political movement that
encourages women to leave their husbands, kill their children, practice
witchcraft, destroy capitalism and become lesbians.” – Pat Robertson (Religious leader, founder to the Christian Coalition,
and, at the time, presidential hopeful, on the proposed Equal Rights Amendment
in
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“Caution:
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"In the beginning the universe was created. This has made a lot of people very angry and
been widely regarded as a bad move.” – Douglas Adams
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“God is not dead but alive and
well and working on a much less ambitious project.” – Graffito
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“Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich.” – Napoleon (1769 – 1821)
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“What if there had been room at the inn?” – Linda Festa (on the origins of Christianity)
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“Why attack God? He may be as
miserable as we are.” – Erik Satie
(1866-1925)
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“Christ died for our sins. Dare
we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them?” – Jules Feiffer
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“Faith is believing what you know ain’t so.” –
A schoolboy quoted by Mark Twain
(1835-1910)
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“Faith is under the left nipple.” – Martin
Luther (1483-1546)
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“Because I’m Jewish, a lot of people ask why I killed Christ. What can I say? It was an accident. It was one of those parties that got out of hand. I killed him because he wouldn’t become a
doctor.” – Lenny Bruce (1923-1966)
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“Trust in Allah, but tie your camel.” – Arabian proverb
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“If only it was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is
to masturbate.” – Diogenes the Cynic (412?
– 323 BC)
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“Masturbation! The amazing
availability of it!” – James Joyce
(1882-1941)
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“Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex.” – Karl Marx (1818-1883)
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“I was the best I ever had.” – Woody
Allen
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“The good thing about masturbation is that you don’t have to dress up
for it.” – Truman Capote (1925-1984)
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“My brain is my second favorite organ.” – Woody Allen
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“Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another.” – H. L. Mencken (1880-1956)
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“Love is being stupid together.” – Paul
Valery (1871-1945)
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“If I love you, what business is it of yours?” – Johann von Goethe (1749-1832)
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“A man in love mistakes a pimple for a dimple.” – Japanese proverb
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“The most romantic thing any woman ever said to me in bed was ‘Are you sure
you’re not a cop?’” – Larry
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“Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.” – From The Last Goon Show of All
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“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night.” – Woody Allen
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“The perfect lover is one who turns into a pizza at
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Chaste makes waste. - Unknown
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It’s easy to make a friend.
What’s hard is to make a stranger. - Unknown
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“Monogamy is the Western custom of one wife and hardly any mistresses.”
– H. H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916)
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“Marriage is based on the theory that when a man discovers a brand of
beer exactly to his taste he should at once throw up his job and go to work in
the brewery.” – Heorge Jean Nathan
(1882-1958)
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“A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.” – Zsa Zsa Gabor
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“The most happy marriage I can imagine would
be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.” – Samuel Taylor Coleridge (1772-1834)
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“I believe in the institution of marriage and I intend to keep trying
until I get it right.” – Richard Pryor
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I was a fifty-four-year-old virgin, but I’m all right now. - Unknown
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“Eighty percent of married men cheat in
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“I hate babies. They’re so
human.” – H. H. Munro (Saki) (1870-1916)
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How to Raise Your I.Q. by
Eating Gifted Children – Book title by Lewis B. Frumkes (1983)
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“Never raise your hand to your children-it leaves your midsection
unprotected.” – Robert Orben
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“Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the national debt.” – Herbert Hoover (1874-1964)
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“I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I
looked into the soul of the boy next to me.” – Woody Allen in Annie Hall
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“Beware of the man who does not drink.” – Proverb
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“Water, taken in moderation, cannot hurt anybody.” – Mark Twain (1835-1910)
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A productive drunk is the bane of moralists. - Unknown
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“Come quickly, I am tasting stars!” – Dom Perignon (1638-1715) at the moment of his
discovery of champagne
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“The worst thing about some men is that when they are not drunk they
are sober.” – William Buler Yeats
(1865-1939)
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“Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.” –
George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
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“I can’t die until the government finds a safe place to bury my liver.”
– Phil Harris
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“The graveyards are full of indispensable men.” – Charles de Gaulle (1890-1970)
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“There are more dead people than living, and their numbers are
increasing.” – Eugene Ionesco
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“Defeat is worse than death because you have to live with defeat.” – Bill Musselman
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“Go away. I’m all right.” – Last words of H. G. Wells (1886-1946)
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“If you don’t count some of Jehovah’s instructions, there are no
humorists in the Bible.” – Mordecai
Richler
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“Until Eve arrived, this was a man’s world.” – Richard Armour
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“A lady is one who never shows her underwear unintentionally.” – Lillian Day
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“Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.” – Groucho Marx (1895-1977)
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“I’ve never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.” – W. C. Fields (1880-1946)
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“As an anti-American, I thank you for your rotten article devoted to my
person.” – Letter to Time magazine form
Prince Sihanouk
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“I am a deeply superficial person.” – Andy Warhol
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“To err is human…and stupid.” – Robert
Byrne
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“You may already be a loser.” – Form
letter received by Rodney Dangerfield
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“I want to be the white man’s brother, not his brother-in-law.” – Martin Luther King, Jr. (1929-1968)
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“I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would
come into my neighborhood after dark.” – Dick
Gregory
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“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take
a chance?” – Charlie McCarthy/Edgar
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“People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work
standing up.” –
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“Work is much more fun than fun.” – Noel
Coward (1899-1973)
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“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a
rat.” – Lily Tomlin
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“Money is good for bribing yourself through the inconveniences of
life.” – Gottfried Reinhardt
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“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy
something.” – Jackie Mason
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“There must be more to life than having everything.” – Maurice Sendak
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“Save a little money each month and at the end of the year you’ll be
surprised at how little you have.” – Ernest
Haskins
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“Any man who has $10,000 left when he dies is a failure.” – Errol Flynn (1909-1959)
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The wages of sin are unreported. - Unknown
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To get back on your feet, miss two car payments. - Unknown
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“Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it
every six months.” – Oscar Wilde
(1856-1900)
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“The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other
bastard die for his.” – General George
Patton (1885-1945)
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“Name me an emperor who was ever struck by a cannonball.” – Charles V (1500-1558)
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“You can’t say civilization don’t advance…in every war they kill you a
new way.” – Will Rogers (1879-1935)
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“I have already given two cousins to the war and I stand ready to
sacrifice my wife’s brother.” – Artemus
Ward (1834-1867)
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“Join the army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them.”
– From the movie Full Metal Jacket
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“Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy
Scouts have adult supervision.” – Blake
Clark
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“The best way to keep one’s word is not to give it.” – Napoleon (1769-1821)
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“When walking through a melon patch, don’t adjust your sandals.” – Chinese proverb
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“Sometimes a fool makes a good suggestion” – Nicolas Boileau (1636-1711)
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“As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I
ever did.” – Robert Benchley (1889-1945)
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“I get my exercise acting as a pallbearer to my friends who exercise.”
– Chauncey Depew (1834-1928)
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“Quit worrying about your health.
It’ll go away.” – Robert Orben
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“Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying
of nothing.” – Redd Foxx
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“To eat is human…To digest divine.” – Mark Twain (1835-1910)
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“The most dangerous food is wedding cake.” – American proverb
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"
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“Eat as much as you like—just don’t swallow it.” – Harry Secombe’s diet
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“Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.” – G.K. Chesterton (1874-1936)
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“A gourmet who thinks of calories is like a tart who
looks at her watch.” – James Beard
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“Life is too short to stuff a mushroom.” – Storm Jameson
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“The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she
served the family nothing but leftovers.
The original meal has never been found.” – Calvin Trillin
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“I’m in favor of liberalized immigration because of the effect it would
have on restaurants. I’d let just about
everybody in except the English. – Calvin
Trillin
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“No man is lonely while eating spaghetti.” – Robert Morley
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“The less things change, the more they remain the same.” – Sicilian proverb
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“If you can see the light at the end of the tunnel you are looking the
wrong way.” – Barry Commoner
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“I have found little that is good about human beings. In my experience most of them are trash.” – Sigmund Freud (1856-1936)
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“
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“In
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“Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the
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“In
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“In the
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“Traffic signals in
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Schizophrenia beats dining alone. - Unknown
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“An essayist is a lucky person who has found a way to discourse without
being interrupted.” – Charles Poore
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“Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.” – Voltaire (1694-1778)
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“No sane man will dance.” –
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“Only in show business could a guy with a C-minus average be considered
an intellectual.” – Mort Sahl on himself
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“
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“The
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“Animals have these advantages over man: they never hear the clock strike, they die
without any idea of death, they have no theologians to instruct them, their
last moments are not disturbed by unwelcome and unpleasant ceremonies, their
funerals cost them nothing, and no one starts lawsuits over their wills.” – Voltaire (1694-1778)
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“Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the
victims he intends to eat until he eats them.” – Samuel Butler (1835-1902)
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“I loathe people who keep dogs.
They are cowards who haven’t got the guts to bite people themselves.” – August Strindberg (1849-1912)
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“You’re a good example of why some animals eat their young.” – Jim Samuels to a heckler
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People who take cold baths never have rheumatism, but they have cold
baths. - Unknown
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“Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.” – C. G. Jung (1875-1961)
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“I never did give anybody hell.
I just told the truth and they thought it was hell.” – Harry S Truman (1884-1972)
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“Do you realize the responsibility I carry? I’m the only person standing between Nixon
and the White House.” – John F. Kennedy
(1917-1963) in 1960
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“I’m not sure I’ve even got the brains to be President.” – Barry Goldwater in 1964
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“I would not like to be a political leader in
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“You’ve got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because when you quote
him accurately it’s called mudslinging.” – Walter
Mondale
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“Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter. Had he run unopposed he would have lost.” – Mort Sahl
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“Walter Mondale has all the charisma of a speed bump.” – Will Durst
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“The thought of being President frightens me and I do not think I want
the job.” – Ronald Reagan in 1973
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“It has been said that democracy is the worst form of government except
all the others that have been tried.” – Winston
Churchill (1874-1965)
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“Democracy substitutes election by the incompetent many for appointment
by the corrupt few.” – George Bernard
Shaw (1856-1950)
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"The masses are asses." – Alexander
Hamilton (1755-1804)
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“When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of
twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.” – Norm Crosby
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“Laws are like sausages. It’s
better not to see them being made.” – Otto
von Bismarck (1815-1898)
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“I always turn to the sports pages first, which record people’s
accomplishments. The front page has
nothing but man’s failures.” – Chief Justice
Earl Warren (1891-1974)
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“Ninety percent of everything is crap.” – Theodore Sturgeon
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“Coincidences are spiritual puns.” – G. K. Chesterton (1874-1936)
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“Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up
the pillow was gone.” – Tommy Cooper
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“If you tell the truth you don’t have to remember anything.” – Mark Twain (1835-1910)
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“The more he talked of his honor the faster we counted our spoons.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)
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“Advertising is the rattling of a stick inside a swill bucket.” – George Orwell (1903-1950)
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“Weather forecast for tonight:
dark.” – George Carlin
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“If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?” – Abraham Lincoln (1809-1865)
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“Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the
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“Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.” – Mark Twain
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“Immigration is the sincerest form of flattery.” – Jack Paar
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“The art of living is more like wrestling than dancing.” – Marcus Aurelius (121-180)
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“Hell is other people.” – Jean
Paul Sartre (1905-1980)
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“It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.” – Stewart’s Law of Retroaction in Murphy’s
Law, Book Two
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“The popularity of a bad man is as treacherous as he is himself.” – Pliny the Younger (62-113)
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“The hatred of relatives is the most violent.” – Tacitus (55-117)
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“Even if you’re on the right track, you’ll get run over if you just sit
there.” – Will Rogers (1879-1935)
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“I prefer rogues to imbeciles because they sometimes take a rest.” – Alexandre Dumas the Younger (1824-1895)
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“Let others praise ancient times; I am glad I was born in these.”- Ovid (43 BC – 18 AD)
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“Happiness is good health and a bad memory.” – Ingrid Bergman (1917-1982)
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“Never keep up with the Joneses.
Drag them down to your level.” – Quentin
Crisp
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People who think they know everything are very irritating to those of
us who do. – Unknown
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“When the going gets tough, the smart get lost.” – Robert Byrne
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“I shot an arrow into the air, and it stuck.” - Graffito in
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“There’s so much pollution in the air now that if it weren’t for our
lungs there’d be no place to put it all.” – Robert
Orben
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“There’s nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won’t cure.” – Jack E. Leonard (1911-1973) to Ed Sullivan
(1902-1974)
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“Modern art is what happens when painters stop looking at girls and
persuade themselves that they have a better idea.” – John Ciardi
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“Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.” – Thomas Jones
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“Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.” –
George Burns
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“Old age is the only disease you don’t look forward to being cured of.”
– From the movie Citizen Kane (1941)
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“Fanaticism consists of redoubling your effort when you have forgotten
your aim.” – George Santayana (1863-1952)
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“Mountains appear more lofty the nearer they are approached, but great
men resemble them not in this particular.” – Lady Marguerite Blessington (1789-1849)
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“There’s a great woman behind every idiot.” – John Lennon (1941-1980) on Yoko Ono
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“If you live to the age of a hundred you have it made because very few
people die past the age of a hundred.” – George
Burns
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“Never accept an invitation from a stranger unless he gives you candy.”
– Linda Festa
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“One is not superior merely because one sees the world as odious.” – Chateaubriand (1768-1848)
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“It is easier to forgive an enemy than to forgive a friend.” – William Blake (1757-1827)
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“It is unpleasant to go alone, even to be drowned.” – Russian proverb
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“Thank you, but I have other plans.” – Response to “Have a nice day”
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“Warning To All Personnel:
Firings will continue until morale improves.” – Unknown
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“I am firm. You are
obstinate. He is a pig-headed fool.” – Katharine Whitehorn
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“A language is a dialect with an army and navy.” – Max Weinreich (1894-1969)
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“All professions are conspiracies against the laity.” – George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
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“There is no they, only us.” – Bumper
Sticker
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“You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind
word alone.” – Johnny Carson
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“I think it would be a good idea.” – Mahatma Gandhi (1869-1948) when asked what he thought of Western civilization
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Remember that a kick in the ass is a step forward. – Unknown
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“Computers are useless. They can
only give you answers.” – Pablo Picasso
(1881-1973)
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“Let thy maid servant be faithful, strong, and homely.” – Benjamin Franklin (1706-1790)
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“His absence is good company.” – Scottish
saying
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“The happiest liaisons are based on mutual misunderstanding.” – La Rochefoucauld (1613-1680)
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“A good man is always a beginner.” – Martial (40-104)
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"My incompetence is purely a matter of training; being a fuckup,
(as you put it), was my own genius." – From ‘Gorky Park’ by Martin Cruz
Smith
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“Happiness is not finding, creating, or buying heaven. It is learning to appreciate hell.” – Dresty
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Annoying Girl: “So, do you have any hobbies?”
Irritated Male: “Rape”
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“Oh, look, look! It’s an ostrich! … No, nevermind, it’s just an emu.” –
Christine Tanner
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“I want to lick pesto off her boobs!” – Ethan Schwartz
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“Monogamy is a form of laziness.” – Dresty
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“?Mold?” – Minette Barrocas (When asked about blue cheese)
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"You have to positate the negative"
– Strongbad
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"It isn't hypocrisy if you have a double standard" – Dresty
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"Having good luck really pays off" – Dresty
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“x” – x
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“The gods too are fond of a joke.” – Aristotle (384-322 BC)
Ç Light È
*************************************************************
É Heavy Ê
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"The serious
man at bottom is hiding from himself the consciousness of his freedom; he is in
bad faith." - Sartre (1943)
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“Because it’s there.” – George
Mallory (1922)
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“I prefer the natural sky to the opium eater's heaven." – Thoreau
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“A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable but more
useful than a life spent doing nothing.” – George
Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)
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"To maintain oneself on this earth is not a hardship but a pastime
if we will live simply and wisely." – Thoreau
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“Always be content, but never satisfied.” – Dresty
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“I do not wish for the suffering of my enemies, rather I wish for them
not to be my enemies.” – Dresty
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“My goal in life is to qualify for one of the jobs in the back of the
Economist.” – Dresty
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“jus ad bellum: W = J if O
+ F > A + C + E + I + M + P” – Dresty
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“Unquestionably it is possible to do without happiness; it is done involuntarily
by nineteen-twentieths of mankind.” – John
Stuart Mill (1806-1873)
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“There is no difficulty in proving any ethical standard whatever to
work ill if we suppose universal idiocy to be conjoined with it.” – John Stuart Mill (1806-1873)
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“x” – x
Ç Pithy È
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É Prolix & Discursive Ê
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“It is not the
critic who counts, not the man who points out how the strong man stumbled, or
where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man
who is actually in the arena; whose face is marred by the dust and sweat and
blood; who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; who
knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions and spends himself in a worthy
course; who achievement, at the best, knows in the end the triumph of high and
who, at worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly; so that his
place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory
nor defeat.” - Theodore Roosevelt
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Common Night Walkers:
[From Florida vagrancy law which was struck down for being a status
crime and for being too vague as to its terms such as “common night walkers…rouges
and vagabonds…common gamblers…common drunkards, thieves…lewd wanton and
lascivious person,…common railers and
brawlers…habitual loafers, and disorderly persons.”]
“The difficulty is that these activities are
historically part of the amenities of life as we have known them. They are not mentioned in the Constitution or
in the Bill of Rights. These unwritten
amenities have been in part responsible for giving our people the feeling of
independence and self-confidence, the feeling of creativity. These amenities have dignified the right of
dissent and have honored the right to be nonconformists and the right to defy
submissiveness. They have encouraged
lives of high spirits rather than hushed, suffocating silence. They are embedded in Walt Whitman’s writings,
especially in this ‘Song of the
I have met with but one or two
persons in the course of my life who understood the art of Walking, that is, of
taking walks, --who had a genius, so to speak, for sauntering: which word is beautifully derived ‘from idle
people who roved about the country, in the Middle Ages, and asked charity,
under pretense of going á la Sainte Terre,’ to the Holy Land, till the children
exclaimed, “There goes a Sainte Terrer,’ a Saunterer, a Holy-Lander. They who never go the Holy Land in their
walks, as they pretend, are indeed mere idlers and vagabonds; but they who do go there are saunterers in
the good sense, such as I mean. Some,
however, would derive the word from sans terre, without land or a home, which,
therefore, in the good sense, will mean, having no particular home, but equally
at home everywhere. For this is the
secret of successful sauntering. He who
sits still in a house all the time may be the greatest vagrant of all; but the
saunterer, in the good sense, is no more vagrant than the meandering river,
which is all the while sedulously seeking the shortest course to the sea. But I prefer the first, which indeed, is the
most probable derivation. For every walk
is a sort of crusade, preached by some Peter the Hermit in us, to go forth and
reconquer this Holy Land from the hands of the Infidels.” (Excursions,
1893).
[Reversed.]
– Justice Douglas (Papachristou
v.
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“Poverty, in any
sense implying suffering, may be completely extinguished by the wisdom of
society combined with the good sense and providence of individuals…And every
advance in that direction relieves us from some, not only of the chances which
cut short our own lives, but, what concerns us still more, which deprive us of
those in whom our happiness is wrapt up. As for the vicissitudes of fortune and other
disappointments connected with worldly circumstances, these are principally the
effect either of gross imprudence, of ill-regulated desires, or of bad or
imperfect social institutions. All the
grand sources, in short, of human suffering are in a great degree, many of them
almost entirely, conquerable by human care and effort; and though their removal
is grievously slow—though a long succession of generations will perish in the
breach before the conquest is completed, and this world becomes all that, if will
and knowledge were not wanting, it might easily be made—yet every mind
sufficiently intelligent and generous to bear a part, however small and
inconspicuous, in the endeavor will draw a noble enjoyment from the contest
itself, which he would not for any bribe in the form of selfish indulgence
consent to be without.” – John Stuart
Mill (1806-1873)
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“x” – x